THE RIDER · LEAKED BY US, TO US, FOR ATTENTION
OUR DEMANDS.
BRACE YOURSELF.
Every proper telly operation has a rider. Mariah wants white roses. Van Halen wanted the brown M&Ms removed. We have twenty years in UK broadcast and an award on the shelf, so naturally our demands are extensive, outrageous and non-negotiable. Read them and weep.
SECTION ONE 👑
✨ THE DIVA CLAUSES.
CLAUSE 1
✨ One (1) plug socket
Working. Within reach. That's it. That's the technical rider. We've directed from beach bars, boat decks and the front seat of a Fiat Panda. The socket is aspirational, frankly.
CLAUSE 2
🤔 Coffee before questions
We are delightful. We are, before the first café con leche of the day, slightly less delightful. Nothing in the schedule requires heroism before caffeine and we've built twelve years of shoots on this principle.
CLAUSE 3
✨ Compliments (optional, encouraged)
If the sizzle made you laugh, say so. If the shot looks like a million quid on a fraction of the budget, say so. We run entirely on cold drinks and validation, and one of those is already in the cool box.
CLAUSE 4
✨ No brown M&Ms... actually, fine
Keep the brown ones. Keep all of them. We're not animals. Van Halen used that clause to check whether anyone read the contract — we check by seeing who noticed the goat.
CLAUSE 5 — NON-NEGOTIABLE
🐶 Bear's rider
Chicken (warm). Ham (immediately). A bowl of water no more than four metres from the action. One (1) crew member on kiss-blowing duty. Applause on arrival — sustained. He will find the mirror himself. Breach any of the above and he will give notes at 140 decibels until morale improves.
SECTION TWO · THE ACTUAL RIDER ❤️
✨ THE BITS WE MEAN.
✨ The runner gets the first cold drink
Non-negotiable and we're not joking about this one. Everyone on a Ballsy shoot — runner to talent — gets shade, water, food and their name remembered. We've all been the runner. Some of us were the runner last Tuesday.
✨ Wrap means wrap
Great TV without killing anyone in the process — it's the founding principle, it's on the tin, and it's why crews come back. The show gets made AND everyone's home for dinner. Turns out you can have both. Who knew. (We knew.)
✨ The truth, early
If a plan won't work, we say so before it costs you money, not after. If your idea's brilliant, we say that too, loudly, possibly with confetti. Honesty is the cheapest thing on the budget and the most valuable thing on this page.
🍤 Prawn clause
Should the production require 300 prawns at one hour's notice on a saint's day, the production shall receive 300 prawns. Precedent: set. Lawyers: confused. Us: legends.
SIGN HERE
✨ DEMANDS THIS REASONABLE 📋 SHOULD FRIGHTEN YOU MORE THAN A DIVA'S. 👑
Because it means all the energy goes into the show. Send us yours — your rider, your brief, your impossible ask. We'll match it clause for clause.
NEGOTIATE THE RIDER